He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize
