I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
