You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
