i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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