Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
