he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
