Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
