I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
