I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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