I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
