woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
