So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
