i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I did not marry a roomba.
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