my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
