He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
