She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
