just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She's JV to your varsity
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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