I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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