i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
