new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
