I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
