I will die if light touches me.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
