Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
