I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
