I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
