I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
