I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
