Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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