So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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