Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
