you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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