I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
