Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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