...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
