i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
