I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I smell stomach acid.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
