Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
