the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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