Where is the hickey?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
