Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Drake has all the answers
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
