Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
