I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Randomize
