i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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