i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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