i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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