My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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