You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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