I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
