The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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