she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
A bitchslap is in order.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
