I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
