someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he was CRYING into my vagina
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
